Hello my darlings,
I’m sorry for my absence, but I’ve had a rough little while. The unfortunate truth is that I don’t really want to get into why I’ve been missing. Just know that I love you all and that I trust that eventually I’ll work through what I need to and I trust that one day I will be fine. Today just isn’t that day.
But this brings up a good point, trust. I trust that I will be fine, I trust that things will work out. I have faith. The problem with trust is that it’s so easily broken. The problem with me is that I’m so trusting that I’m quick to trust everyone. Well, everyone that is, but God.
That’s right I said it! Sometimes I just don’t trust that God has a plan for me. Like maybe I’m one of his forgotten. That I’m alone here on this earth. Then something wonderful happens, something great that reminds me God is there and for a brief wonderful moment, I trust that I’m wrapped in His glory.
I’m normally really good at trusting in Him when there’s small bumps in the road. I don’t ask “Why Me?” every time something doesn’t work out, because I understand that in order to learn you have to make a few mistakes. So, I’m not talking about the computer being slow or being late to work or whatnot. No, I’m talking about the big things, the ones so big it feels like it’s earth-shattering, where I feel like the floor was taken out from under me and I begin the 100-story fall, that’s when I lose my faith. That’s when I don’t trust that God will catch me, I don’t trust that God has a plan. At that moment I feel utterly alone, abandoned, scared and unwanted. And even though I know that in the end, God does have a plan, God will catch me and that God loves me just like He loves all of His children, I can’t ignore that nagging feeling like He forgot about me.
So for now, until I have faith that He will get me through this, I will continue on my 100-story fall. I’ll scream, cry, pray and plead that He catches me. And when He does, I’ll be able to see the plan that He had set into motion when I first began this fall.
Maybe it won’t always be like this. Maybe as I get older and wiser, I’ll just automatically have faith that He will catch me. Then maybe I can focus better on the plan from the beginning. Until then, I’ll keep falling.
Until next time,
xoxo
Steph
At Home with Steph 