Rebuilding

Hello my Darlings!

Today I feel the need to confess something to you. Something that I’ve only truly confessed to a few very close friends and family.

Exactly one month ago today, Mr. B and I separated.

Although I don’t feel comfortable airing all of the dirty laundry, I will tell you this: No, I didn’t see it coming, but apparently it had been coming for almost a year. Yes, I’m fine.

So what does this mean? Well, it means that now I need to rebuild. I need to focus on becoming more stable on my own two feet. Up until a month ago, I had never lived on my own. Now, I have a 2 bedroom apartment and 3 cats that I have to now pack up and move at the end of the month. When he first left, I felt like I had taken a huge blow  and at first I wasn’t sure how I would ever recover, or if I’d ever recover. When something like this happens to you, all you can do is try to hold on to who you are. Instead of focusing on the red flags that you should of seen, the hate that you feel in your heart, or even the extreme fear of being alone, you need to focus on picking up the pieces. Pick up just the pieces of your life that are just you at first. Focus on going to work, taking care of any pets or children that you have. Then start to pick up the pieces that had him involved. Take a deep breath and go to church, go to the grocery store by yourself, stop avoiding that one place where that one thing happened.

What helps is being able to rely on some close friends and family for support as you stumble around this world like a newborn deer. As my emotions finally begin to become more stable, I’ve begun taking on more things that use to be things we did together. For the first time in this last month, I went to church yesterday. Although it was weird running into his parents, I had a dear friend there for support.

As I finally begin to venture out of the bedroom and into the rest of the apartment I see how much better I’ll feel once I’ve gotten everything packed up and ready to be moved. Instead of approaching this move with fear like I have in the past, I look forward to it. It means a fresh start.

Eventually I’ll be back to my normal self. But until then, I have the love of my family and friends. I have the knowledge that eventually things will work themselves out. That things will be how God has them planned.

So today, I’m going to start to rebuild. One tiny brick at a time. Today I’ll pack a box of something and then relax with my friends. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll pack two boxes. Who know’s what I’ll do tomorrow. I’m not planning that far ahead. I’m just going one day at a time.

So don’t worry about me darlings, I’m still here. I’ll be fine. I’m a strong woman, I’ll soldier on.

Until next time,

xoxo
Steph

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